I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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