I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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