I must be too annoying 4 u.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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