rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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