12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
