is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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