Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize