I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
