my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
