Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
