Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
