I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
