you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
