but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
