Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
