and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
