I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are a genius and a whore.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
