The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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