i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just had sex bonerless
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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