I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
