She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
