Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
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