Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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