The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
