Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
