Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
