The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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