An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
