Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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