The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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