Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
