dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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