my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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