Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
