He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
