How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm sobbing to NWA
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
