one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
