Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
