my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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