Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
