If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
