So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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