It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
