Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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