I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
