i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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