I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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