"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
