Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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