why didn't you poke me back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
