We won't sleep together?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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