I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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