Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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